DAY 1 – I’ve been waiting so LONG for this day! I’m excited but cautious because, well, you know what happened last time. Four years ago my phone started pinging with news alerts at 2 a.m. the day after the U.S. election, declaring that The Orange One was now President of the United States. It’s been a nightmare ever since.

Today I feel a lot more hopeful. Giggly, even. They’ve been talking for months about this Blue Wave and I know it’s coming! I’ve got my glass of wine and I’m watching in anticipation as the polls begin to close! Woo hoo!

LATER: Okay, so the blue wave hasn’t happened yet. And the Orange One (let’s just refer to him as O.O. from now on) is actually winning in some states. How can that be? Who, in their right mind…? And why does every media outlet have different numbers? I don’t understand! I don’t understand!

Okay, Irene, calm down. There are all of those mail in ballots yet to count. This could take awhile. A long while. I’m going to bed.

DAY 2 – I’m proud of myself because I actually slept through the night. I turned all my electronics off and refused to let myself think about anything except what it would be like to win the lottery.

But somebody else was not getting much sleep last night, it seems. O.O. was apparently up in the wee hours declaring victory. There you go. Just declare it and it’s true, right?!

I’m going to stay away from the news and from social media until at least lunchtime today. Hear no evil, see no evil.

LATER: Okay, I couldn’t help myself and I checked into Twitter. I don’t get it! Where is this Blue Wave they’ve been talking about? It seems more like a trickle to me. A dribble, even. And now people are yelling “Stop the count! Stop the count!” Are you kidding me? That’s like not counting COVID-19 cases and declaring the pandemic over! Who would even think of doing that?

And the blue and red electoral numbers on TV seem to be getting stuck. What is this Electoral College anyway? Is it a place? Can you get an Electoral Degree from it? Where’s my wine?

DAY 3 – or is it DAY 4? All I know is that it has been days. It feels like weeks. And the dribble of numbers continues even though the big blue and red ones are still stuck.

Dribble.

Dribble.

The news outlets are getting braver about suggesting that Biden could win, but no one is declaring anything yet. Except O.O. that is. The mail-in ballots are “fraudulent”, tens of thousands of ballots were “illegally received”, thousands of votes were “illegally not allowed to be observed”,  “LEGAL TRANSPARENCY was viciously & crudely not allowed.”

Oh oh.

They are saying that Day 5 could be the Day Of The Decision. I’m exhausted. My nails are down to nubs. I have several bald spots from ripping my hair out. I’ve gone through all of the wine. I’m stumbling off to bed.

DAY 5 – I’m up at 6 a.m. even though it’s a Saturday. I’ve turned the TV on. OMG, still no decision. The counters are still counting. The observers are still observing. The news people are still yabbering and poking at those giant video screens, over and over again. And the blue and red numbers are still frozen. Will it ever be over? I already have a headache.

O.O. tweets “I WON THIS ELECTION BY A LOT!”

All of a sudden, there is news from Pennsylvania. Their 20 Electoral College votes have gone to Joe Biden. He becomes the president elect. And Kamala Harris the first female, and the first person of colour, becomes Vice President. I am beyond elated. Now there are people in masks, hollering and dancing and drinking on Pennsylvania Avenue. Right across from the White House. I love it. It’s only 9 a.m. but I think I might join in the toast.

I can relax now. I can breathe. My hair will grow back and my fingernails too. This is the calmest I’ve felt in 4 years. Oh, I know there will be trouble still. Maybe a lot of trouble. O.O. won’t go without a fight.

But dear O.O. – remember what you said not that long ago about another topic? “It is what it is.” Yep.